Understanding Shame

When you persistently feel that you're bad or wrong

There’s a feeling many of us have that can be hard to put into words. It's not just “I made a mistake.” And not even “I’m not good enough.”

This feeling is deeper, quieter, and more painful. It comes from the thought that “There’s something wrong with me.”

For many people, this feeling sits just under the surface. It can show up in social situations, in relationships, at work, or simply in the way we talk to ourselves.

We might notice it as:

• overthinking what we said after a conversation

• feeling exposed around others

• holding back or shrinking to fit in

• a constant inner critic pointing out our flaws

  
  

This is often what shame feels like.

Where Does This Feeling Come From?

Shame doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It develops over time, often in environments where parts of us were: criticised, misunderstood, ignored, or subtly discouraged.

We may have picked up the message, whether we were told directly or indirectly, that certain aspects of ourselves were "too different" from the people around us. If we grew up knowing that we didn't "fit", whether through our sexuality, gender identity, ethnicity, background, neurodivergence, body shape, personality... or for another reason... we may have internalised a sense of being "unacceptable".

The messages became a critical voice inside of us that says "You're not like other people"... "There's something wrong with you"..."Don't say that / behave like that, you'll be judged"... Before too long, it felt like the truth.

Why Shame Feels So Powerful

Shame is not just a thought, we feel it in our body. It can show up as a tight chest, heavy feeling in our stomach, heat in our face, feeling like we can't speak, a strong physical urge to run and hide away.

But strangely, shame became our self-protection. When we felt this feeling, we learnt to monitor ourselves, stay small, or avoid attention. This helped us to stay safe, avoid further criticism, maintain connection to others.

But what helped us then, is inhibiting us now

What once helped us cope can start to feel limiting. We might find ourselves holding back in conversations or meetings, avoiding opportunities, feeling anxious in social situations, unable to feel comfortable being fully ourselves.

And even when we logically know we're not “bad” or “wrong”…the feeling can still be there. That’s because shame isn’t only held in conscious thoughts - it’s also embedded in deeper patterns of thinking, feeling, and responding.

How Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapy Can Help

Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapy (CBH) works gently on two levels:

• our thinking mind

• and the deeper, more automatic patterns in our mind and body

  
  

Using CBT, we begin by understanding the patterns:

• where these beliefs came from (though we do not dig too deeply)

• the situations that trigger them

• the thoughts and assumptions that keep them going

  
  

This helps clients start to see that: these are patterns they learned, rather than who they are.

Then together, we begin to question:

• Is this belief accurate?

• What alternative, more balanced perspectives are possible?

  
  

This helps loosen the grip of the inner critic.

Because shame is also felt in the body, we also work with:

• calming the nervous system

• reducing the intensity of emotional responses

• creating a sense of internal safety

  
  

This is where hypnosis can be particularly helpful. Hypnosis is a calm, focused state where the mind becomes more open to new ways of thinking and feeling.

In this state, we can begin to: soften old, critical beliefs; introduce more supportive ways of relating to yourself; help your mind and body experience what it feels like to be safe, accepted, and at ease. Importantly, you remain fully aware and in control throughout.

Moving From Shame to Self-Understanding

The aim of this work is not to “fix” you. It’s to help you: understand where these feelings came from, recognise them as ways you adapted to stay safe, begin to relate to yourself in a different way.

Over time, many people notice: less harsh self-criticism, more ease in social situations, a growing sense of self-trust, and a quieter, steadier sense of self-worth

What If There Was Never Anything Wrong With You?

This can be a challenging idea to take in at first! But often, as people begin to explore their experiences more deeply, something shifts. The question becomes less: “What’s wrong with me?” And more: “What happened that led me to feel this way?” And that's when the chance for a different way of thinking and living opens up.

If This Resonates...

If you recognise yourself in this, you’re not alone, and it is something that can change.

I offer Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapy to support people in working through shame, self-doubt, and social anxiety, and in building a more grounded, compassionate sense of self.

You can explore ways of working with me on the Services page, and get in touch if you’d like to find out more.