Rebuilding LGBTQ+/Queer Self-Esteem

Many LGBTQ+ / queer people grow up learning, either subtly or not so subtly, that we are "wrong". Even if we find acceptance in our families, schools and friendship groups, the wider societal messaging is still strong: being cis gender and/or heterosexual is "normal", anything else is not.

Over time, we internalise this and we adapt to keep ourselves safe. We may learn to:

• monitor how we speak or move

• scan the room to judge how we'll be received

• edit ourselves depending who we are with

• downplay or hide parts of identity

• change how we present in order to fit in.

These adaptations may keep us safe, but they can also diminish who we are. They can leave us feeling small and doubting, or even hating, ourselves. We may have thoughts like:

• “I’m too much.”

• “I shouldn't keep talking about being queer."

• “I’m difficult.”

• "I'm weird"

• “I don’t fit in.”

  
  

These thoughts come from the social messaging we received. Once we internalise the messages, they start to feel like the truth. Reclaiming our self-esteem means sifting through our thoughts to realise how much we have absorbed and how it's affecting us.

Recognising the impact on our nervous systems

For most LGBTQ+ queer people - historically and culturally - being visible has carried and still carried risk. Even when we find ourselves in safer spaces, our nervous systems can still react as if being ourselves equals danger.

Our self-esteem work needs to include uncovering and gently challenging our internalised beliefs, recognising the ways we carry fear and shame, and helping our bodies to feel safer being ourselves and being seen.

Rebuilding self-esteem isn’t about becoming louder or more performative as an LGBTQ+/ queer person. It doesn't necessarily mean being "out and proud" to everyone we meet. Instead, it’s about feeling more solid in ourselves, trusting our perceptions and experience, knowing deep down that our gender and/or sexuality are not flaws, showing up more comfortably in our wholeness, knowing that we are not the problem.

A gentle reset for LGBTQ+/queer self-esteem

I offer LGBTQ+ affirmative 1-2-1 and group programmes where I support people to understand and gently let go of self-critical beliefs, regulate their nervous systems and embed new patterns. Get in touch if you're interested in working with me.